Tiago the Party Wizzard
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In this series of articles, I will enlight you about the adventures I went through with Tiago the party wizard. I met Tiago at a party in Kuala Lumpur, where we both had been working as expatriates. During my travels through South-East Asia, he came over to join me for the Full Moon party at Ko Pha Ngan. In the end, Tiago – in all his wisdom – decided to travel with me across Thailand for the next two weeks to come, although he only packed his backpack for a few days worth of clothes.

Underneath you will find the first of a serie adventures: tramp night at Koh Samui.

The other parts are ‘Slumber party at Krabi’, ‘Thunderstrucked at Phi Phi’, ‘The Party wizards of Koh Lanta’, ‘Alcohol free days at Phuket’, and ‘Getting wet at Chiang Mai’. Most of them have to be written still. Stay tuned!

 

The adventures of Tiago the party wizard – part 1:

Tramp night at Koh Samui

(Short for Trampoline night, that is)

 

Once upon a time I found myself in the mixed dormitories of the ‘Liquid Lounge’ – a clean hostel on Koh Samui, Thailand.

I was sitting at the bar, when Tiago came in at 5 pm. At that time I was still recovering from a major hangover, drooling all over my bar stool. Tiago would introduce ourselves to two American girls, sitting near the entrance of the hostel – I hadn’t even noticed them before. Their names were Jane and Natalia, the four of us would hang out for the rest of our days on Koh Samui.

Sadly enough, the Liquid Lounge couldn’t accommodate our Party Wizard – the rooms were fully booked. We would have to find him a different room first.

 

The guy that thought he was a female goat

After some struggles, we would find Tiago a bungalow, not too far from the Liquid Lounge (nonetheless, he wouldn’t find the way back home the following night).

We had some dinner at a shabby, but very affordable, Thai place. For dessert we visited the Seven Eleven to enrich ourselves with some rum, a bottle of coke and a few cans of beer. We took our supplies to the beach and met up with the two American girls and a third guy: Matt.

Also a Yankee.

On the warm sand of the beach, we sat next to a fancy bar with live music. Some rich and old folks were paying for those sweet sweet songs, buying their drinks at the bar, sitting on fancy chairs. We sat ten metres further to the left, enjoying the music and liquor at budget prices. I preferred our situation.

 

So what about the guy that thought he was a female goat? Matt would show us the picture right there and then.

It was something like I had never seen before: a transgender with horns of a goat on his/her head. It even had a tail!

Incredible. Thanks for enriching our lives with something that still daunts me in my nightmares from time to time, Matt. I wish I had the picture.

Proper start of a legendary night.

 

Matt, if you read this, please send the picture of the goat-man to wesley@thebucketyears.com.

 

From left to right: Jane, Tiago, Natalia, Matt, Alex, me and Aly.

Ark bar Koh Samui

 

Holy Maria and the angry Russians

After discussing the Goat-man some more, and listening to the sweet sweet music a little longer, we finished our drinks and walked along the beach towards the Ark Bar.

There we ordered some buckets (filled with liquor of course) and walked around for a bit. This is how we walked into Maria.

She and her pretty (girl) friends were hanging out with a group of fat Russian guys. Our comrades were spending heavy money – desperately paying for the attention of the opposite sex. The girls willingly stayed around them, getting one free drink after another. Fair trade.

Maria was taking a small henna tattoo on the beach. We talked to her and she would introduce herself with a fake name (a lot of American girls tend to do this, for some reason). After talking for a while, she asked me to tattoo her name on my back. Weird.

I told her I would never tattoo that name on my back, because it was obviously not her real name to start with. For two, my girlfriend would not be entertained.

She started laughing and re-introduced herself as Maria. She showed us her passport, which apparently, she brought with her to the party. I told her that if I had to tattoo any name on my back, it would be Tiago’s. And sadly enough, at this time I was drunk enough to actually think this was not a bad idea.

At this time the fat Russians got annoyed by us, talking to ‘their’ girls. We would say bye to Maria only to find out she and her friends would move into our dormitory the next day.

We couldn’t be bothered by some angry Russians looking for problems. I was too distracted anyway. I wanted to get tattoos.

 

Getting legendary tattoos

‘Bro, I am gonna tattoo your name on my back.’

And so I paid 300 Baht for a (temporarily) tattoo of my friend’s name on my back.

Did he get my name tattooed on his back? We discussed it for a bit. We came to the wise conclusion this would be super gay. Tiago took a symbol representing the Malaysian tribe of his girlfriend on his right shoulder, instead.

It’s a flower.

Getting tattoos at the Ark bar

 

You should have seen the reaction of my sister when she first saw this picture.

She thought I went full retard.

 

The kid that convinced people that I was a ladyboy

During the night, plenty of kids walk around at the parties to get some money of drunk tourists like ourselves. Their most famous trick in Koh Samui is rock, paper, scissors. They will play it for 100 Baht. The kids will almost always win, which is not that hard when considering their opponents are highly intoxicated. The clever fellows are ruthless and will just watch what you are doing, reacting superfast and supersober.

One of the kids kept annoying me, so against my principles (I have so little of them) I took his bet. When I fairly beat his rock with ‘fire’, he kept telling me that I cheated. Everybody knows ‘fire’ can only be beaten by the ‘water balloon’.

 

 

The kid clearly couldn’t stand losing and kept annoying me for a greater part of the night, by calling me a ladyboy. Everyone I would talk to the rest of that night, he would explain I was actually transgender.

Ahh… Kids. Who doesn’t love them?

 

Inflatable castles in the night sky

Since it was very hard for me to make new friends with the kid following me around calling me a ladyboy, I sticked to the group we came with. At around 3 am it was time to go back to the Liquid Lounge.

Jane, Natalia, Matt, Tiago and me strolled down the beach.

To our delight, we found out one of the beach bars had left their giant inflatable castles in the pitch black ocean.

I immediately stripped down until my boxershort and started running towards the sea. I dived in the warm water and started swimming towards an inflatable trampoline, an inflatable iceberg and a gigantic inflatable pyramid.

Tiago and the Yanks were joining.

The sea, normally clear until the sandy bottom, was too dark to see through – and far too deep to touch the bottom with my toes. Normally that would scare the shit out of me, but not that night – I was too excited. After a short swim, I arrived at the inflatable trampoline. Since it was over a meter high and slippery as fuck, it was quite hard to climb the thing.

Once I got on top of the trampoline, I jumped around proudly of course. Highly intoxicated and proudly.

The others were on their way. We didn’t care nobody was watching our stuff on the beach. Now that I think of it, we were quite lucky nobody stole our clothes.

Jane and Matt would soon climb the trampoline and we jumped around like fools together. After getting completely exhausted, we lied down and watched the stars for a while, which is quite an incredible phenomenon when they are all spinning around.

After ten minutes of admiration of the Galaxy spinning at incredible speed, Matt decided to disrupt this beautiful moment by throwing his boxershort in the ocean and jumping right after it. Off he went, into the warm water.

So were was Tiago at this moment?

 

The moment I lost my boxershort

Still figuring out how to climb the trampoline, he was. And at this moment he finally succeeded. 

Being a party wizard, he decided to jump the thing in full glory.

 

‘Why are you wearing boxershorts, gayboy?!’ he shouted laughing.

Jane quickly jumped off.

‘I am not getting naked idiot.’ – I answered him, trying to ignore his nakedness. It was too much.

‘Get out of your boxershort,’ he shouted.

Knowing that he was crazy enough to pull down my boxershort himself, I wanted to jump off the trampoline, letting the pitch black ocean embrace me.

Sadly enough, I slipped. Tiago jumped to grab my ankles and dragged me back to the center of the trampoline. Escape was not an option anymore.

He pulled down my boxershorts and threw them into the ocean, celebrating his success by loud cheering.

I would never see my boxershort again.

 

So the story has come to the situation that there were two naked guys on a trampoline, floating in the ocean… weird. You can guess what happened next.

We started to jump around, laughing our asses off. Thát was what happened next. It felt like freedom. We were naked and we didn’t care. We were free of shame, we didn’t care of judgements. This is how we should always feel, whatever we do.

After jumping around for a while, we jumped back into the ocean. We would swim to the beach and put our clothes back on. Tiago went on with Matt and the girls, to break into the swimming pool of a resort nearby. I went back to the hostel – I was exhausted.

There I would fall asleep, with the comforting thought that somewhere out there, in the middle of the ocean, swims around a cool fish – cooler than the other fishes. For he is wearing my boxershort proudly.

 

 

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Thanks for reading!

 

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